Gwyneth Is More Fabulous Than You Could Ever Be

First let me say that I HATE Gwyneth Paltrow. I know I should probably save my energy for something more useful than hating Gwyneth. But I can’t help myself.

So it’s not surprising that she really bugs me in this article in Vogue.

Read the whole thing if you want your head to explode, but here’s a few of my favorite bits:

Gwyneth on the logistics of her life: “I keep everything very simple. I think the thing that drives most working mothers crazy is this idea that they can’t do everything … if you’re going to cook dinner, so that you and your husband can invest in each other, don’t make duck á l’orange. Learn six recipes that are simple, easy, that you can do when you put the kids to bed.”

Yes, Gwyneth that is exactly the problem of the average working mom. She’s trying to make duck á l’orange.

On self-care: “I do think it is important for mothers to take some time for themselves.” (However, even now, despite the fact that her job requires an extremely beautiful body, Gwyneth will work out only while her children are either at school or napping; “otherwise, I would feel like this is really indulgent.”)

Great. So if I leave Maddie with a sitter so I can go to the gym does that make me a bad Mom?

On style: Her style has changed dramatically in the last few years; once a girl who was in a different designer every night, Gwyneth is now photographed more often than not in jeans, boots, and a cozy jacket. … With three closets in two countries, she’s decided it’s easiest not to move clothes between them. “I find that it is very helpful to have a sort of mother uniform,” she says as we pull up outside the Alexander McQueen store. “Like, I say, OK, this winter I’m going to wear minidresses and tights and this pair of jeans and these two coats. Done. I wear either these Lanvin boots every day or gray Chloé ankle boots. It’s like I want to eliminate all of the fuss.”

Seriously? Is this woman serious?

On clothes shopping: She has given up attending fashion shows because the last one she went to, Chanel Haute Couture in 2005, “was just too much. I don’t enjoy the photographers being that close and that aggressive. They don’t stop, and there’s no control. You know what I do now? If I want to see the clothes, I go to the couturier, but also, I so rarely have an occasion to wear that stuff now.”

Yes. When I want to see clothes I just call my couturier. I can’t even get the personal shopper at Nordstrom to return my phone calls. (Now at this point I feel compelled to point out that part of what bugs me about this article is the author, Plum Sykes, who might just be even more full of it than Gwyneth is. After that couturier bit the very next line is this: “She may be starting to sound dangerously normal, but make no mistake, Gwyneth’s life is hardly average.” Oh yes, Plum, you almost had me fooled!)

I could go on and on, but you get the point.

So now this infuriating article seems to have been turned into a whole website — If you want to be as fabulous as Gwyneth then just sign up for this little email newsletter and voila! It includes a lot of the same kind of nonsense about how you can make your life better by adopting a designer uniform, doing workouts by video chat with your trainer (Why via video chat? Because the trainer is on tour with Madonna. Natch.), and inviting your friends over for a make-your-own-pizza party in your garden, which, of course, has a brick-oven pizza oven.

I have to go lay down now. My head hurts. Someone has to make this woman go away.

2 thoughts on “Gwyneth Is More Fabulous Than You Could Ever Be”

  1. To show how “mature” (a/k/a aging) I am …. I’m not found of any of the G.P. peers …. too skinny, fake blond, philosophical, etc. for me. Loved your comments. Maddie is very lucky she has you as a mother! (And Preston as a father)

  2. I have no idea what you are so upset about. Duck a’la’orange is a dish I make every day. That or coq au vin.

    And I keep the same wardrobes in all eight of my homes. Life can be hard, but I just try my hardest.

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